Doctors have a challenging job caring for the health and wellbeing of their patients, so it’s no wonder they appreciate a good laugh now and then! Though their work is serious, doctors actually have a great sense of humor. There’s even a whole genre of jokes centered around the medical profession. Doctor puns and jokes poke gentle fun at the quirks of medical practitioners, hospitals, and the health care system.
They highlight the amusing side of clinic mishaps, doctor-patient misunderstandings, and the everyday workings of the medical field. These jokes tickle the funny bone with clever wordplay related to common ailments, medical procedures, physician specialties, and more. Funny Doctor puns and jokes allow this hard-working profession to take themselves a little less seriously. So put on your scrubs and stethoscope and get ready to let out some good-humored chuckles at these funny doctor puns and jokes!
Hilarious Doctor Puns
I tried to sue my doctor for malpractice, but he said he was immune from prose-ecution.
My doctor told me I was going deaf, but I haven’t heard anything about it since.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
I knew a doctor who was addicted to checking people’s ears. He just couldn’t canal his urges.
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who went crazy? He lost his patients.
What did the cardiologist say to the impatent heart? Just wait two beats!
My orthopedic doctor tried to cheer me up after my accident. He said I have a strong backbone and nothing can get under my skin!
I went to the worst doctor ever. He was a pain in the neck, a real spineless fellow.
Did you hear about the doctor who performed brain surgery on a lawyer? It was a mind-altering experience!
Why are eye doctors always so calm? Not much can get under their skin!
My dentist says I grind my teeth at night. I told him, “Doc, I sleep just fine. You’re the one with all the cavities!”
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a dentist? They made a great pair – one healed cavities, the other filled beakers!
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail!
Why do doctors make the worst criminals? They have terrible records.
Did you hear about the baby born in the veterinarian’s office? It was a little pup!
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? A URLologist!
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who lost his license? He had some issues.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said, “Homer is a fat guy and Marge has tall blue hair!”
Why did the dentist get mad at his car? It kept trying to pull teeth!
Did you hear about the new weight loss clinic staffed only by doctors? It’s called the “Stomach Flu Diet!”
Why did the doctor start telling dad jokes? He was trying to boost his patients’ spirits.
Did you hear about the kid who swallowed a bunch of quarters? His mom had to take him to the pediatrician to get his change back.
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
Did you hear about the sick dentist? He was feeling a little under the weath-er!
My dentist told me to floss only the teeth I want to keep. I decided to floss them all just to be safe.
Why did the optometrist close up shop early? He lost his patients!
I told my dentist that people keep calling me average. He said, “Are you kidding me? You’re outstanding in your field!”
Did you hear about the dentist who became a detective? He wanted to get to the root of the problem.
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who needed a shrink? His job was driving him crazy!
Why don’t skeletons go to the dentist? Because they don’t have any teeth!
Why was the dentist angry at the beluga whale? It kept playing pranks and denting his car!
Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series starring an orthopedic surgeon? It’s called “Bracing for Impact!”
Why did the dentist get mad at his thermostat? It kept trying to pull teeth!
Did you hear about the dentist who planted flowers at his office? He wanted to attract more patients!
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up!
Did you hear about the baby born in the orthopedist’s office? It had skeletal issues from the start!
Why don’t ophthalmologists ever lose their patients? Because they keep their eye on them!
I told my dentist I think I’m turning into a vampire. He said “That bites!”
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant!
Why was the neurologist bad at his job? He didn’t have the brain for it!
Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles? His next trip to the doctor could spell trouble!
Why don’t dentists get mad when you cancel appointments? They just brush it off!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
Why did the doctor invest in new bandages? He wanted to get a leg up on the competition!
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail!
What’s a dentist’s favorite time of day? Tooth-hurty!
Why did the doctor lose her job? She had no patients!
Did you hear about the optometrist who did surgery? It was eye-opening!
Why was the gastroenterologist so cheerful? Everything was going smoothly in her gut!
Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? They’d crack each other up!
Did you hear about the dentist who became an 80’s rock star? His name was Billy Idol!
Why did the doctor get heartburn? He was lacking antacids!
Did you hear about the baby born in the orthopedist’s office? It had skeletal issues from the start!
Why don’t ants ever need to see a dentist? Because they have fillings!
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant!
Why don’t ophthalmologists ever lose their patients? Because they keep their eye on them!
Did you hear about the orthopedic surgeon who stole money from the hospital? Police described it as a joint venture.
Why did the cardiologist quit her job? There was no heart in it!
I went to the eye doctor and he told me I needed glasses. It was quite a sight for sore eyes!
Did you hear about the dentist who was spying on patients? He was a real plaque!
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up!
What do you call a phone owned by an orthopedic surgeon? A bone phone!
Did you hear about the dentist who was arrested? He was caught molaring!
I told my dentist that people keep calling me average. He said, “Are you kidding me? You’re outstanding in your field!”
Did you hear about the gynecologist who used her own uterus as a diagnostic tool? Talk about getting in-vitro experience!
What do you call a fish that needs braces? A little trout with faulty crowns!
Did you hear about the cardiologist who performed surgery on her own heart? It was an in-Stent procedure!
Why don’t ants ever need to see a dentist? Because they have fillings!
Funny Doctor Jokes
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood!
The doctor said I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Did you hear about the doctor who tried to become a baker? He couldn’t make enough dough.
I asked my doctor if I could have some antibiotics for my smartphone. It’s got a really bad virus!
Why did the doctor carry a thermometer in their pocket? To check their patients’ temperature on the go.
I tried to make an appointment with the memory specialist, but I forgot.
I told my doctor I’m afraid of backstories. He said, “Don’t look back!”
I went to the eye doctor and asked for a second opinion. He said, “You’re also ugly.”
Why don’t doctors trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something.
I told my doctor I swallowed a pillow. He said not to worry, it’ll come out in the end.
I asked my doctor if he had anything for a headache. He said, “You have to pay in advance.”
Why did the doctor carry a briefcase? To keep his patients in stitches.
My doctor told me to drink more water. I told him, “I already drink a lot during my showers!”
I told my doctor I’m addicted to Twitter. He said, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
Why did the doctor carry a red marker? In case they needed to draw blood (type).
I asked my doctor if I could take a selfie during surgery. He said, “Suture self.”
My doctor told me I should start drinking more coffee. I asked, “Why?” He said, “Because you’re not grinding well.”
Why did the doctor carry a ladder? To check up on their patients’ high blood pressure.
I told my doctor I can’t stop singing “Green Green Grass of Home.” He said, “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” I asked, “Is it common?” He said, “It’s not unusual.”
Why did the doctor bring a car to the hospital? In case they needed to take a pulse (impulse).
My doctor told me I’m going deaf. I haven’t heard from him since.
I told my doctor I’m a kleptomaniac. He said, “Take something for it.”
Why did the doctor go to the art gallery? To improve their patients’ health by adding more culture.
My doctor told me I need to stop drinking so much milk. I asked, “Pasteurize me?”
Why did the doctor carry a baseball bat? In case they needed to deal with a pain in the neck.
I told my doctor I think I’m a mosquito. He said, “Quit bugging me.”
Why did the doctor become an archaeologist? To uncover their patients’ history.
My doctor said my breathing problem was all in my head. I asked if I could take my head off when I sleep.
I told my doctor I have a fear of elevators. He said, “You need to start taking steps to avoid them.”
Why did the doctor bring a chef’s hat to work? To perform some “surgical seasoning.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight. I said, “No problem, I’ll just start avoiding the corners.”
I told my doctor I broke my finger in five places. He said, “Stop going to those places!”
Why did the doctor carry a pencil? To draw blood (samples) and make notes at the same time.
My doctor told me I need to stop texting on my phone. I asked, “Can I call you to discuss this?”
I told my doctor I have a fear of speed bumps. He said, “You’ll slowly get over it.”
Why did the doctor start a gardening club? To help their patients find the root of their problems.
My doctor said I have a rare disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. I said, “That’s terminal.”
I told my doctor I’m allergic to computers. He said, “What symptoms are you experiencing?” I said, “I’m not sure; I’m getting a rash of problems.”
Why did the doctor become an astronaut? To learn how to handle patients with spaced-out symptoms.
My doctor told me I need to stop doing my math homework. I said, “Is it causing any problems?” He said, “No, I’m just trying to cure your addition.”
I told my doctor I think I’m a pair of curtains. He said, “Pull yourself together.”
Why did the doctor bring a tree to the hospital? To treat patients with trunk-ted breathing.
My doctor said I need to stop eating donuts. I said, “Can I just take the hole out and eat the rest?”
I told my doctor I think I’m turning into a dog. He said, “Sit. Stay.”
Why did the doctor carry a net? To catch some patients’ attention.
My doctor told me I need to stop singing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I asked, “Is this the real life?”
I told my doctor I have a fear of giants. He said, “Fe-fi-fo-fum.”
Why did the doctor become a gardener? To help patients with their growing pains.
My doctor said I need to stop drinking so much soda. I asked, “Is this a pop quiz?”
I told my doctor I can’t stop playing peekaboo. He said, “I see you’re having issues.”
Why did the doctor bring a fishing rod to work? To catch some patient cases.
My doctor told me I need to stop eating sugar. I said, “Can I still eat candy?”
I told my doctor I think I’m a light bulb. He said, “You’re just a little too bright.”
Why did the doctor become a musician? To help patients find their rhythm.
My doctor said I need to stop making Star Wars jokes. I said, “May the force be with you.”
I told my doctor I think I’m a bridge. He said, “That’s water under the diagnosis.”
Why did the doctor become a meteorologist? To predict patients’ health conditions with perfect accuracy.
My doctor told me I need to stop telling airport jokes. I said, “Surely you can’t be serious?” He said, “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”