Security Guard Jokes: One of the most underrated jobs in the world of a security guard. But there is always a silver lining in every dire situation. That silver lining here is security guard jokes which are so hilarious and titillating you will lose the sense of time.
Funny Security Guard Jokes
I went on a job interview for the position of a security guard. After spending 18 hours in the waiting room……they hired me.
what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store –
“A guardian of the galaxys”
Q: What do you call a security guard in bed?
Q: Why does someone become a security guard when they don’t have enough time on their hands?
A: Because they want to become a watchman!
As a security guard, my manager said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women
I would be invisible to them
Q: What did the airport security guard say to the athlete when he found IcyHot in his luggage?
A: I’ve caught you packing heat!
Q: What did the priest say to the security officer after the break-in?
A: Nun taken!
At my job, I have 1000 people under me.
I’m a security guard at a cemetery.
My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy section of a university…
I will spend my days asking philosophy students basic questions like Who are you, and why are you here?
Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?
They always check, mate
Interview for the position of security guard in India
Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?
Candidate: Are the thieves from England?
Why didn’t the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank?
Because he was scared of heists.
What’s the difference between a security guard and a butcher?
One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
Why was the gay security guard fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.
The CEO grabs 20 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: “Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your Twinkie.”
Who’d want to be Trump’s security guard ?
I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini …
a security guard wandered over to me and said sir you can’t wear that in here
Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway.
It was the collision of the century.
After I stole the priceless jewelry and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard’s chest……It was a huge bust of fluff.
A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..
and a security guard taps him on the shoulder and says “excuse me sir, you’re not wearing a mask and have to leave”
Q: What do you call a security guard at a toothpaste factory?
A: A Colgate keeper!
Q: What did the mall security guard do to the shoplifter who tried to run away?
A: What happens next may shock you!
A proton going through airport security. The security guard says “that’s not a lot of luggage” the photon says “I’m travelling light.
Today I got 200 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless
The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!
My local supermarket gives away free food
You just have to run faster than the security guards.
Did you know about the security guard who got fired from the liquor store?
He got caught drinking in the job.
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor.
The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.
I once tried shoplifting a James Bond DVD…
…but a security guard scared the living 007 out of me.
My grandpa let 500 people go from a concentration camp in the holocaust
He was the worst security guard ever
Q: What security guard job is always in high demand?
A: Cemetery watchmen. Because people are always dying to get in!
A security guard came up to me yesterday…
and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”
The huge number of Valentine’s day cards I got this year has left me breathless.
Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.
My boss said I’m a worker worth paying attention to.
Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.
If I lived in medieval times, I’d be a tavern guard.
I’ve always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you call soft-spoken security guards at the Samsung store?
Receptionists of the Galaxy:
*Army*: “No pain, No gain!”
*Security Guards*: “No I.D, No entry!”
I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention
Security guard : *(notices bulge)* OwO what’s this?!
My art was hanging in the metropolitan museum of art!
But then the security guard took down my post it note. 🙁
The security guard comes over to a orange in a supermarket and asks “what are you doing?”
The orange replies “nothing, just c-illing (chilling) round”
Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.
At least that’s what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.