Alcohol has been around for centuries, and where there is alcohol, there are sure to be puns! Alcohol puns and wordplay humor have provided laughs and entertainment almost as long as alcohol itself. From wine to whiskey to beer and beyond, alcoholic beverages lend themselves easily to humorous twists of phrase and quirky punning. In the following essay, we will explore some of the most amusing and clever alcohol puns, dipping into the world of wine puns, beer puns, liquor puns, and more.
Whether groan-inducing or witty, alcohol puns and jokes can lighten the mood and spirits. From punny store names to funny cocktail names to silly slogans and adages, we will sample the many ways alcohol has inspired humorous wordplay. While alcohol should be consumed responsibly, wordplay and puns provide a harmless way to get a laugh about our favorite adult beverages. The clever and funny use of language evident in these alcohol puns reflects the human spirit, our shared fondness for wordplay, and the timeless joy of a good-natured pun.
Funny Alcohol Puns
Why did the beer go to school? It wanted to be a little brrrrr-ighter!
I’m not saying I’m a great bartender, but I can make a drink disappear. It’s called “Cheers and Gone.”
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
What’s a bartender’s favorite tree? The gin and tonic.
I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a fermented grape juice enthusiast.
Why did the wine file a police report? It got mugged!
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and ask for limes.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
I’m not a wine snob; I’m a wine enthusiast with high standards.
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.
I only drink on days that end with “y.”
I don’t always drink, but when I do, it’s a disaster.
I used to play hide and seek with my alcohol. But now, the alcohol always finds me.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!
Parallel lines have so much in common; it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
I’m writing a book about anti-gravity. It’s a real page-turner!
Wine is like duct tape; it fixes everything.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
What did one alcohol molecule say to the other? “I’ve got my ion you.”
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
What did the alcoholic teapot say? “Pour me another one, and I’ll whistle.”
I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
What did one wall say to the other wall? “I’ll meet you at the corner!”
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
How do you organize a space party? You “planet”!
A bartender broke up with the gin; he said it just couldn’t “spirits” anymore.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman; I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
The secret ingredient is always cheese.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Why did the hipster bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
I’m not saying I’m a great chef, but I can make instant noodles without looking at the instructions.
I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion? There was nothing left but de-brie.
Parallel lines have so much in common; it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
What did one wall say to the other wall? “I’ll meet you at the corner!”
I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a fermented grape juice enthusiast.
What’s a bartender’s favorite tree? The gin and tonic.
I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman; I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Why did the hipster bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
Hilarious Alcohol Jokes
I was at a bar the other night and overheard three guys arguing about the quickest way to get home. The first guy said he usually takes a taxi. The second guy said he takes the bus. The third guy said his wife always drives him home in the car. The other two said “Yeah right! How can that be quickest?” The third guy replied, “My wife always goes the fastest way when she sees me drunk!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks “If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?” The bartender thinks for a minute and says “It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer.” The man leans down and picks up a box. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom he places on the bar. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. The bartender is amazed and pours the man another drink on the house. The piano man finishes his sonata and the bartender is in utter disbelief. “That was incredible! You drink for free all night!” The man picks up his box to go home and the bartender says “Hey! You’re taking the little guy with you?” The man says “No, he just goes back in the box. He can only play classical music.” The bartender says “Well, you’ve got a free open bar. Why not let him stay and play some more music?” The man says “I can’t, he’s my Baroque pianist!”
A police officer pulled over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. The officer walked up to the driver’s seat and asked the man for his license and registration. The man fumbled through his wallet and accidentally dropped a concealed pistol on the seat. The officer asks the driver, “Sir, can you explain why you have a concealed weapon?” The driver replied, “Well officer, I live in a bad neighborhood. There’s lots of drug dealers, gang members and criminals around my house.” The officer looks around, points at the man and says, “This is a bar.”
A man went into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the man downs it in one gulp. “Wow,” said the bartender, “That was fast.” The man said, “Well, I have a lot more to drink before the police find me.”
A police officer was patrolling late at night when he saw a man stumbling down the street. The man walked up to a parking meter and started hitting his head against it and shouting “Stop it! Stop it!” The officer rushed over and asked the man what was wrong. The man replied “I lost the keys to my car and I think the parking meter ate them!”
A horse walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said “You’re in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?” The horse said “I don’t think I am.” and then disappeared from existence because horses can’t talk.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Pour me 12 shots.” The bartender pours him the shots and the man starts drinking them two at a time. The bartender says “Woah, buddy. Why are you drinking so fast?” The man says “Well, I have 11 kids and I promised all of them that when they turn 21, I would take them out for their first drink with them. So I’m just training and practicing.”
A man stumbles up to a cop and says “Excuse me ossifer, there’s a family of four in my bar whiskey!” The cop says “Ok buddy, I think you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.” The drunk man replies “Maybe you’re right. I shouild stop drinking for today.” The cop says “Well, how about for tonight?” The man thinks and says “Ok ok, I won’t drink anymore tonight. I promise I’m done drinking for tonight.” The cop says “Come on, how about for the rest of the month?” The drunk man shouts “Hey! Don’t push it pal!”
A guy walks into a bar on a slow night and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says “Hey, you look familiar. Were you on TV recently?” The guy says “Yeah, I was on the news last week. A car hit me while I was using the crosswalk.” The bartender says “Now I remember! But you look pretty good now. I guess there were no serious injuries?” The guy replies “Just a broken thumb from pounding on the hood.”
A man went into a bar after working late one night. As he sat on the stool, he told the bartender, “My wife must be mad at me, because I overheard her tell a friend that I’m out ‘getting plowed’ at the bar. I don’t even do any farming!”
A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “Pour me something strong. I’ve had a rough week and I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend.” The bartender gave him a shot of whiskey. The guy took the shot and said “You know what, pour me another. Tonight I’m getting trashed! My wife left me for my best friend, moved out of the house, and took the kids.” The bartender gave him another shot. The guy took it and said “You know what, I don’t care if I get liver disease. Pour me another! My boss fired me, my bank account is empty, and I just got thrown out of my apartment. I have nothing left!” The bartender poured him another shot and said “Woah buddy, it seems like you’ve had a really bad day.” The guy said “Nah, I’m just messing with you. I don’t have a wife!”
A cop pulled over a driver for swerving on and off the road. The officer walked up to the car and saw beer cans all over the floor. The driver said, “I know I was all over the road, but I haven’t opened any of those beers, officer. Just having them around makes me feel safer.”
I was at the bar the other night when a woman at a table nearby was giving her friend advice on what to do if she thought her husband was having an affair. Her friend asked “What if I hire a private investigator and find out it’s true?” The woman said “Don’t listen to him. Hire me instead. I do a better job for half price.” Her friend asked “Why would you do that?” The woman replied, “Well, I would hate to see you get ripped off by one of those expensive private investigators.”
A guy walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, looks around trying to find a seat. There are none available except one next to a very large man with a mean looking expression on his face. Reluctantly, the guy takes the seat and orders a drink. He’s sitting there nursing his drink trying not to make eye contact with the big guy next to him when suddenly the large man slams his fist down on the bar and yells loudly “10!”. The guy almost falls off his chair. A few minutes later, the large man again slams his fist down on the bar and yells even louder “20!”. The guy just about jumps out of his skin. Nervous and shaken, he orders another drink. Just as he is about to pay for it, the large man slams his fist down and yells the loudest yet “30!”. He can’t take it anymore so he asks the bartender “Hey what’s the deal with the big guy? He keeps slamming his hand down and yelling numbers out.” The bartender walks over close and says under his breath “Don’t worry about him. He’s just missing in hide and seek.”
A man came home late at night and his wife said, “Where have you been? You’re obviously drunk!” The man replied, “How can you say that?” The wife said “Well for one, you didn’t take your umbrella when you went out earlier.” The man slurs “Ha! I left the umbrella at the bar on purpose! That should stop you from thinking I’m drunk all the time!”
A man goes out drinking after work with his friend. He has a few too many drinks and throws up all over himself. He looks at his friend and says “Oh man, my wife is going to kill me for getting this drunk and puking on my new shirt!” His friend asks him, “Well why don’t you slip twenty bucks into your shirt pocket, and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning?” The man thinks this is a great idea, so he slips a twenty in his pocket and heads home. When he walks through the door, his wife starts yelling at him. He calmly says “Now hold on honey, before you get mad, let me tell you what happened. I was sitting at the bar having a few drinks when some guy near me got too drunk and threw up all down the side of my new shirt. He felt so badly about it that he gave me twenty dollars to pay for my dry cleaning. Here take a look!” And with that, he takes the twenty dollars out of his pocket and hands it to his wife. She looks at him, looks at the money, then hands it back to him and says “Well keep the money. When you get that drunk, you should know better than to sit next to someone throwing up on you!”
A man went into a bar after a long day at work. The bartender asks him, “Rough day? You look exhausted.” The man replies, “Yes I’m just so tired. You see, I’m a sleepwalker, and often go on very long excursions at night without my knowledge.” The bartender nods sympathetically. The man then says, “So I’m usually very active at night without realizing it. What’s really odd is I even sometimes have a nightcap at bars I stumble upon in my sleep.” The bartender immediately looked concerned. “Wait, you’re telling me you’re sleepwalking right now?” The man laughs and says, “No, I’m just messing with you. One beer please!”
A police officer on his horse spots a drunk man stumbling out of a bar. He rides over and asks the drunk man, “Can I help you get home tonight?” The drunk man looks up at the officer and his horse and says, “No thanks, I’m not that drunk yet.”
A guy stumbles up to the only other patron at the bar and says, “You wanna hear a good alcohol joke?” The other guy says, “Well, before you tell it, you should know that I’m a recovering alcoholic. Been sober for 8 years now.” The drunk leans in close and arrogantly tells him, “Ah, who cares? You’re not gonna get it anyway.”
A completely drunk man stumbled into a confessional booth after the Priest had left and said “There’s no use in me lying to you, Father. I’m on the sauce again. I’d be lying if I told you I’ve been good. In fact, I’ve been really bad and haven’t been to confession in a long, long time.” After saying all this, the drunk passed out cold. The priest returned to the confessional, saw the passed out drunk, and decided to have a bit of fun. He shook the drunk a few times saying “Thou who sleepeth, awake!” In a drunken stupor, the drunk awakens, sees the priest and exclaims “For crying out loud, I’m on the sauce again!” The priest laughs and decides to play along saying “Tell me my child, what sins have you committed?” The drunk replies “Ok, Father, I’m afraid I’ve done some pretty bad stuff. I’ve lied to my wife, cheated on my taxes, stole some candy from kids.” The priest chuckles and says “Well, it sounds like you’ve been quite the sinner. Your penance is to walk five times around the church carrying the Virgin Mary on your back.” The drunk happily obliges and stumbles out of the confessional. The priest then heads out of the church to go grab dinner. When he returns an hour later, he sees the drunk stumbling around the church carrying Jesus on his back. The drunk sees the priest and yells “Hey Father! Quick question, I finished the five laps carrying Mary. What do I do with Jesus now?”
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter and orders a drink. One of the guys looks at the drunk and says to his buddies, “I’ll bet you twenty bucks that if I tell that drunk that I have an elephant in my pocket, he’ll believe me.” The buddies agree to the bet. So the guy walks over to the drunk and says, “Hey, do you want to see something amazing?” The drunk says yes. The guy says, “I have an elephant in my pocket.” The drunk thinks about this for a minute, then reaches into the guy’s pocket and says, “No you don’t … it’s just your hand!”
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out of town. The bartender grew suspicious and called the police who arrived shortly after. The cops asked the drunk to walk a straight line heel-to-toe down the length of the bar. The man swaggered up, turned to the patrons, and declared, “The bartender thinks I’m drunk and called the feds…watch this!” He then tried walking heel-to-toe several times but kept stumbling and falling. The cops shook their heads and were about to arrest him when the drunk pleaded, “Look…I’ll prove it to you that I’m not drunk. Bartender…pour me another shot!” Still suspicious they allowed him another shot and…amazingly…he drank it perfectly normally. The cops released their grip on the man and he swaggered back down the bar. “See…I can handle another shot…I’m NOT drunk!” A cop shrugged and said, “Well, I guess you’re right. My apologies. You’re not intoxicated at all.” After the cops left, the bartender asked the guy, “Why were you acting so drunk and stumbling before the cops arrived?” The drunk leaned in and whispered, “I spilled some of the shot down my pants and didn’t want to blow my cover!”
A man walks into a bar on a weekday afternoon and sits down. The bartender asks him, “Why aren’t you at work right now?” The man says, “Well, my usual commute takes me by a river where there’s often a very attractive naked lady bathing in it. But today as I drove by, I saw twelve of the most beautiful naked ladies bathing together, so I had to stop and watch! I was late for work, so I thought I’d take the rest of the day off.” The bartender says, “WOW! Twelve beautiful naked ladies bathing in the river, huh? That must’ve been a pretty great sight.” The man says, “Yeah, it was amazing and kind of unbelievable. Makes me wish I had a camera with me. You don’t happen to have a camera back there do you?” The bartender says, “As a matter of fact I do…let me go get it.” As the bartender leaves, the man calls after him, “Oh never mind, buddy, I think twelve shots of tequila should help me remember it fine!”
A man went into a bar and ordered a double shot of whiskey. The bartender poured him the drink and the man quickly downed it. He then looked at the bartender with bleary eyes and said slowly, “Bartender, I shouldn’t be drinking at all. You see, I’ve got a wife who drinks day and night. All she wants to do is drink because she says it helps ease her pain. The pain she feels from me beating her when I am drunk off whiskey.” The bartender, alarmed, said “Wait right here until I return.” When the bartender left, the man burst out laughing, slammed a five dollar bill on the counter, and walked out, chuckling to himself. “The joke’s on him—I don’t even have a wife!”
A cop saw a car swerving all over the road so he pulled the car over and approached the driver’s side window. “Can I see your driver’s license and…” Before he finished his sentence, the driver sped off. The cop got back in his car and chased after him. When the cop finally caught up with the driver, he got out of his car and hurried up to the driver’s side door. This time, he saw that there were 5 penguins in the backseat of the car. Baffled, he asked the driver, “Hey, you know I pulled you over back there, right? What’s going on?” The driver replied, “Sorry about that officer. It’s really hard to keep my eyes on the road when these penguins keep distracting me.” The cop paused and then said, “You know, you’re not even supposed to have those penguins. I’m going to have to take you down to the station. They’ll need to go to animal services.” The man pleaded with the officer not to take the penguins. The cop finally agreed to let the guy go with a warning but told him the penguins had to be removed from his car. The next day, the cop saw the same car on the road, swerving all over again. He pulled the driver over and walked up to find the same 5 penguins in the backseat. Furious, he said to the driver, “I thought I told you to remove those penguins from your vehicle! Now you’ve left me with no choice. I’m placing you under arrest.” The man hung his head and said sadly, “I understand, officer. Just go easy on the little guys back there…after all, they’re just my wingmen.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender says “Sure thing, that’ll be $8” The guy hands him a $20 bill and the bartender goes to get his change but realizes he’s out of $1 bills. “Hey sorry man, I’ve only got $5 bills, is that okay as change?” The guy says “No problem!” He takes his drink and leaves. This same thing happens every day for the next 3 weeks. The guy keeps ordering the same drink, paying with a $20, getting back two $5 bills in change. Finally the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him. “Hey man, every day you come in and order the same drink, and every day I have to give you $5 bills back as change because I never have singles. Why do you keep coming back here.
Funny One Liners on Alcohol
I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
I tried AA once but the meetings got in the way of my drinking.
Alcoholism runs in my family. It practically gallops.
The officer asked me to walk in a straight line. I said I couldn’t even do that sober.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle. I bought a bottle of rum and put it in the bicycle basket. But I was so drunk on the way back I dropped the bicycle and had to walk home. Someone found it and brought the bicycle back, so now I’m the proud owner of two bicycles.
I was at a bar last night and saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry.’ So I did.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
I don’t need Google, my blood alcohol level already tells me everything I need to know.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Always remember: rum spelled backwards is ‘mur’. Coincidence?
Alcohol – because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
I don’t actually drink anymore, I just freeze water into ice cubes and suck on them to get that whiskey taste.
Give a man beer, he’ll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he’ll waste a lifetime.
Grapes: Because who can wait for wine?
I’m dating Jack Daniels but flirting with Captain Morgan.
My urine sample came back from the lab and tested positive for alcohol. The doctor said it was the highest proof he’d ever seen.
The problem with drinking and driving is hitting those bumps at the wrong angle.
Alcohol is necessary for a wise man to discover truth and rid himself of his anxiety. My anxiety is way down.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, I drink, I fall down, no problem.
I put the ‘fun’ in ‘functional alcoholic’.
Save water, drink gin.
I felt like having a few drinks tonight but I couldn’t decide between vodka or whiskey. So I did both.
I’d explain why I’m drunk at 9am but I don’t think either of us want me to be that honest right now.
Of course size matters! No one wants a small glass of wine.
I’m not an alcoholic, I’m an alcohol enthusiast.
I got drunk last night on margaritas and woke up this morning in quacamole.
I drink to forget but I always remember.
Don’t call me an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk. We go to parties.
I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective coating for when I eventually destroy my liver.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive anyway.
I got a full body scan at the hospital yesterday. Unfortunately, they found traces of alcohol in my bloodstream. I told them it was because I’m a responsible adult and I like to always carry some alcohol with me in case of emergencies.
Cocktails before beer, have no fear. Beer before cocktails, barf.
I chose vodka over rum today because it’s clear and more hydrating. I’m thinking about my health.
I only drink on days that end in ‘Y’.
Why was the drunk looking for his keys under the street lamp? That’s where the light was.
I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a drinking solution.
I drink to make other people more fun.
I don’t drink tequila anymore, but only because I tried to eat the worm at the bottom. Never again.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: it dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Ah, the pitter patter of little feet…oh wait, that’s the vodka talking.
I work hard all week. I deserve to get drunk on the weekends. It’s called work-life balance.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
I’d explain the stain on my shirt but you’re not ready for that kind of negativity in your life right now.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
It’s not how much you drink, it’s how drunk you get.
Beer and sun makes for fun. Beer and rain makes a headache.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than the things I haven’t done.
It’s not drinking alone when the dog is home.
I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m just on a permanent pub crawl.
Alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with saints…the sinners are much more fun!
You can’t buy happiness but you can buy wine and that’s kind of the same thing.
Today’s good mood is sponsored by wine.
I’m looking for a donor liver but I don’t meet the minimum qualifications since I still have one.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
As I suspected, all alcohol and no food make Homer something something…
When I die, don’t let me drink beer in heaven. Let heaven be heaven. Give me the beer.
Ah, yes…I remember last night. Vaguely.
I’m not really drunk, just stupid for free.
I don’t actually have a drinking problem, except when I spill it.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned to swim.
I respect the people who drink until the problems disappear, but I can’t. The problems know how to swim.
The morning after we drink, we say and do things we regret. The morning before we drink, we should consider what these things might be.