Puns and wordplay relating to medical topics have long been a staple of humor. Though some may groan at the perceived “cheesiness” of medical puns, these playful jokes poking fun at illnesses, doctors, hospitals, and anything medicine-related remain widely popular. The medical field provides a rich vein of material for pun makers to mine. A skilled punster can diagnose a humorous new spin on a familiar disease or condition.
Medical puns run the gamut from groaners like “I had amnesia once, maybe twice” to clever witticisms like “Becoming a doctor is a long and tedious process but it’s worth it in the end if you have the patients.” While critics may claim that medical puns are an unhealthy obsession, fans can’t help but crave that prescription for laughter. Whether rolled out in moderation or consumed in mass doses, medical puns are a tonic providing relief from the ailments of everyday life. Their medicinal powers remain undisputed.
Funny Medical Puns
I tried to catch some fog earlier, but I mist.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation that just opened up. They have everything there in medium quantities.
My wife was mad about my bad hearing. But we’ve turned over a new ear leaf now.
Did you know if you steal from a blood bank you get charged with grand theft auto?
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
I tried looking for gold, but it didn’t pan out.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB? They haven’t got a gig yet.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships? So they can Scandinavian.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
I had an argument with a friend about the price of church roof repairs. He said it was steep, but I said it was on the house.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He’s all right now.
I used to have a vest made out of watches, but it was too time consuming to wear.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
I heard there’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
Why did the robber take a bath before stealing from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
I heard about a guy who lost his arm and leg in a car crash. Don’t worry though, he’s all right now.
Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
I went to the store to buy camo pants, but I couldn’t find any.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation that sells everything in medium quantities.
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
I tried catching some fog earlier. But I mist.
They told me I’d have to attend a seminar to become a mime. But I didn’t say anything.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I used to have a vest made out of watches. But then it became a waist of time.
I had an argument with a friend about the price of church roof repairs. He said it was steep, but I said it was on the house.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they can’t elope!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn’t great but the reception was amazing!
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinner’s on me tonight.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
I heard there’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
Why couldn’t the grape help its friend move into his new house?Because he couldn’t get a wine.
Hilarious Medical Jokes
Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
In case they needed to draw blood!
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
“You have a hole in one!”
Why did the nurse always carry a red pen?
In case they needed to draw patients’ blood type.
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URLologist!
Why did the doctor carry a red marker?
Because they wanted to make their patients “red” all over!
Why did the skeleton go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling a bit “bone”-ly!
What do you call a group of musical doctors?
A “band-aid”!
How do surgeons stay calm in the operating room?
They have a lot of “patience”!
Why don’t doctors trust stairs?
Because they’re always up to something!
What did the doctor say to the patient with a broken leg?
“I’ve got a cast of characters who can help!”
Why did the doctor carry a red marker instead of a black one?
Because it’s easier to find the red marker when you’re “bleeding” it!
Why did the scarecrow become a successful doctor?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of blood?
“Type-0” negative!
Why was the math book sad at the hospital?
Because it had too many problems.
What did the doctor say to the patient with a lettuce leaf in their ear?
“Lettuce leaf this place and you’ll feel better!”
Why don’t doctors trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up, the doctor’s taking us out tonight!”
What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?
Denis!
Why did the doctor carry a red balloon to the hospital?
In case they needed to “pop” in on a patient!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a “tuba” glue!
Why was the math book sad at the hospital?
Because it had too many problems.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room!
What did the doctor say to the patient with a bad case of the hiccups?
“You’re not going to die, but it might feel like it!”
How do you organize a space party?
You “planet”!
What’s a surgeon’s favorite game?
Operation!
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What did the X-ray technician say to the patient?
“Don’t worry, this won’t take long, it’s just a “snap”!”
What do you call a medical snake?
A stethoscope!
Why did the nurse bring a ladder to work?
Because she heard the patients were getting a little “high”!
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
What do you call a doctor who fixes aquariums?
A sturgeon!
Why did the doctor carry a red umbrella to the hospital?
In case of “liquid sunshine”!
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little “boogie” in it!
Why did the nurse always carry a pencil?
In case she needed to “draw” blood!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why did the doctor carry a red nose to the hospital?
To cheer up the patients!
What do you call a group of musical doctors?
A “band-aid”!
Why was the math book sad at the hospital?
Because it had too many problems.
What did the doctor say to the patient with a lettuce leaf in their ear?
“Lettuce leaf this place and you’ll feel better!”
Why don’t doctors trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up, the doctor’s taking us out tonight!”
What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?
Denis!
Why did the doctor carry a red balloon to the hospital?
In case they needed to “pop” in on a patient!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a “tuba” glue!
Why was the math book sad at the hospital?
Because it had too many problems.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room!
What did the doctor say to the patient with a bad case of the hiccups?
“You’re not going to die, but it might feel like it!”
How do you organize a space party?
You “planet”!
What’s a surgeon’s favorite game?
Operation!
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What did the X-ray technician say to the patient?
“Don’t worry, this won’t take long, it’s just a “snap”!”
What do you call a medical snake?
A stethoscope!
Why did the nurse bring a ladder to work?
Because she heard the patients were getting a little “high”!
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
What do you call a doctor who fixes aquariums?
A sturgeon!
Why did the doctor carry a red umbrella to the hospital?
In case of “liquid sunshine”!
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little “boogie” in it!
Why did the nurse always carry a pencil?
In case she needed to “draw” blood!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why did the doctor carry a red nose to the hospital?
To cheer up the patients!
What do you call a group of musical doctors?
A “band-aid”!
Why was the math book sad at the hospital?
Because it had too many problems.
What did the doctor say to the patient with a lettuce leaf in their ear?
“Lettuce leaf this place and you’ll feel better!”
Why don’t doctors trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up, the doctor’s taking us out tonight!”
What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?
Denis!
Why did the doctor carry a red balloon to the hospital?
In case they needed to “pop” in on a patient!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a “tuba” glue!
Why was the math book sad at the hospital?
Because it had too many problems.
Funny Medical One Liners
I’m not saying my doctor is bad, but he told me I had a rare disease and then he disappeared.
My surgeon was so good, he left no scars. Except for the one on my head.
I went to the doctor because I was seeing spots. He gave me glasses. Now I see spots and stripes.
My dentist told me I need to floss more often. I said, “But I floss every day!” He said, “Really? Then why do I still have to do it?”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to the hokey pokey. He told me I need to turn myself around.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to the alphabet. He told me I need to take it one day at a time.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to the number 10. He told me I need to stop counting on it.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to negative thoughts. He told me I need to see the positive side.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to plastic surgery. He told me I need to accept myself for who I am.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to procrastination. He said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to gambling. He said, “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. What’s your number?”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to self-deprecation. He said, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’re not as bad as you think you are.”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to one-liners. He said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that. I’m not a writer.”
I went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I have some good news and some bad news.” I said, “Give me the good news first.” He said, “You have six months to live.” I said, “What’s the bad news?” He said, “My bill is due in 30 days.”
I went to the doctor because I had a frog in my throat. He told me to swallow hard. But I said, “I’m afraid I’ll get warts on my vocal cords.”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to the hokey pokey. He told me I need to turn myself around and that there’s that turn yourself around.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to the alphabet. He told me I need to take it one day at a time.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to the number 10. He told me I need to stop counting on it.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to negative thoughts. He told me I need to see the positive side.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to plastic surgery. He told me I need to accept myself for who I am.
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to procrastination. He said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to gambling. He said, “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. What’s your number?”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to self-deprecation. He said, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’re not as bad as you think you are.”
I went to the doctor because I was addicted to one-liners. He said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that. I’m not a writer.”